Unqualified Ramblings on Relationships

Note: I was hoping not to do this, but here I am at 10:30 pm on Monday night working on a blog post. When I said that I was going to post twice a week on Monday’s and Thursday’s, I figured that with a set schedule of writing I would be able to post something at regular interval with some sort of planning rather than slapping together whatever was on my mind at the time into something intelligible. But sometimes even the best laid plans (or apparently half-assed in this case) go awry. Anyway…

This week one of my friends would be celebrating 11 years together with, and 4 years of marriage, to his wife if not for the fact that their marriage came to an abrupt and very bitter end some 6 months ago. In fact, at this time a year ago I had 6 couples counted among my friends who were happily married. Right now, only 2 of those couples are still together.

I’ve read on some news sources and the web that the divorce rate in this country is 50%. I checked on this via the all-mighty power of a google search and found on divorcerate.org that number is actually what is a projection of the divorce rates could be if current trends continue. What I found interesting from the website is that when broken down by age brackets the group with the highest rates of divorce were married between ages 20 to 24 years old. Clearly age and maturity come into play there, but all of my friends were married in the second highest age bracket for divorce, ages 25 to 29 years old (16.4% for Women and 22.3% for Men).

What is the reason for that?

I wish I knew the answer. My friends going through their divorces have asked that same question to anyone who will listen, from therapists to bar tenders, for the better part of a year. I’m actually half-convinced that those people going through the divorce, on both ends, don’t really know the answer either. There are the superficial reasons, such as some cataclysmic event or series of events that would inevitably cause them to forget the reasons they loved their spouse to begin with. But I believe there are also other reasons, incepted and nurtured within the social group dynamic that lead to this breaking point as well.

By themselves, the average human being is reasonably intelligent and logical. Get humans together in groups and they become dumb and panicky. Think of going Christmas shopping… the only thing that spawns that bit of madness is the sheer number of people in the store who are all trying to get the best gift, get to the front of the line and wait the least amount of time to get out of there. So too when a group of humans get together they inevitably get to their relationships and add some frustration to the mix that the same crowd mode thinking of always coming out on top of a situation takes over. Once the crowd starts encouraging it, right or wrong, the sheer feeling of acceptance in one’s thinking can be a huge motivating factor, for better or for worse.

Its been said many times that our modern culture propagating a feeling of “instant gratification” is the cause for a lot of the emotional turmoil associated with failed relationships, that because we can’t have what we want at the moment and can’t have it right in that moment, that we immediately drop and run for the next big thing because otherwise we aren’t getting what we deserve. I agree with that… kind of… because I think it more so points to this idea that we shouldn’t settle for what we have.

I think these things are factors that hit harder with the younger age brackets as we seek more than anything else for social acceptance. The question then remains though, if what we have is making us happy then why should we consider it settling for something? And even more so, what are the foundations for a good relationship and/or marriage?

Honestly, I don’t have a damn clue. Being 30 and single, I’m likely one of the least qualified to answer that. Barring the obvious things like not beating each other, cheating on each other, etc… here are some of my thoughts.

Love and passion are the likely starts. In most cases, those two will be enough to stem off most other negative factors… for a while. There are other things that aren’t always considered that I believe do have an gnawing affect on the condition of a good relationship.

Goals are important. I’m not just talking about personal goals for yourself. I mean what exactly are you trying to accomplish in your time together? Is it just to wake up each morning with someone next to you? Is it someone to help you retire a multi-millionaire? Is it someone to visit every country of the world with? Someone to have 3 children with (bad one, in my opinion)? Fine… whatever… just make sure you are both on the same page about it.

Tastes in music matter. Don’t ask me why, but they just do. You can have and live with a lot of differences in your lives, but when it comes to music, like at least some of the same stuff or you are doomed.

Forget the word “compromise”. Seriously, forget it even exists. Compromise is a negative word and implies that you gave up or lost something. People don’t like to give concessions just to make peace… look at the Germans after World War I. I like the word “understanding” better, since all you stand to gain is knowledge, of yourself and your partner.

You can’t make someone else happy until you are happy. This crap about he/she making you happy has got to stop. You open up the door to pushing them away because you are too clingy. Self-empower yourself… be happy with yourself and no one will ever want to leave you alone.

Be your own person with your own opinions. If you love your significant other and you are making progress on your goals together, what does it matter that you friend thinks you should have gotten together with their co-worker because they just bought a boat or huge house? Chances are your friend is single anyway.

Know that fundamentally all humans are linked by a common goal of happiness. This is one of the foundations of Buddhist thought. It can be interpreted as both the quest for happiness or for the easing of unhappiness. Just by understanding that you open up to a whole new level of knowing how people work, knowing how you work and fitting the pieces of life together to make it all work.

The short of it could be said that a good foundation for a life with others starts with a good foundation of the self. Do you agree? Disagree? I’d love to hear some feedback on this one.