Year in Review – 2010

It’s snowing like a motherf*cker outside, which means that I have time to write a post for this blog, and since it seems that with everything I have planned to do to get my house set up over the next week, this will likely be my last post of 2010. So what better way to ring in the new year with a retrospective on what happened in the previous? Can you think of one? I sure can’t…

• In 2010 I started enjoying my life and my money again. With the whole economic crackdown at the end of 2008 and through 2009, I thought it especially prudent during that time to straighten out my finances. When 2010 started, I had paid off $18,000 in credit card debt, accumulated $15,000 in savings and decided that I would buy a house by the end of the year (more on that in a bit). I also decided I wouldn’t compromise on doing things with my friends anymore when I realized that I could actually accomplish both of those things. At the beginning of the year I had planned to visit Yellowstone National Park and Grand Teton National Park over the summer, as well as go to Oktoberfest in Munich with my buddy Rick. I didn’t do any of those things.

• I went to see the St. Patrick’s Day parade and the ensuing shenanigans that comes with it in New York City, for the first time in my life, with my buddy Rick. A couple days later his wife left him. It wasn’t because of anything that happened on St. Paddy’s day, just happened about that same time. I would however spend the next 9 months on “Rick duty”, with a few other of our close friends, helping him through that endeavor. He came out of it a changed man, whether for better or worse as yet to be determined, but he did come out of it, and that counts for something.

• My Aunt Nancy died from cancer. I should say that like my father, she didn’t actually die OF cancer, but it was systemic of her demise. She had actually beaten cancer… twice. The first time was a few years ago when she overcame breast cancer and then shortly before she passed away she overcame Leukemia (per test results) to ultimately fall to an infection that her depleted immune system couldn’t handle. She was incredibly positive and light-hearted to the end. Her death also did something that she had been trying to do for the past several years of her life in bringing the entire extended family closer together. She was like a second mom to me… I miss her a lot.

• When I graduated from college, got a job, got a place of my own and discovered that there wasn’t a whole lot of the life milestones left for me to accomplish, I had a sort of breakdown. This was it? This was what I worked so hard for up to this point? Screw this man, I’m handing my adult card back in. Unfortunately that isn’t allowed, and when I turned 30 this year it wasn’t much better. Year 30 brought A LOT of introspection. Part of it resulted in me buying a house. Part of it has also resulted in me realizing that there is an upper limit on what joy you can derive from life on your own. Partly that led to a realization of real loneliness for the first time ever, but also that my family has become more important to me than ever. I’ve reconnected with my cousins and their kids, I can honestly say that my brother and my sister are my best friends. I’ve isolated myself from the chatter surrounding the people I know as well, making those people of good character, by my own judgement, my friends rather than listening to what others say about them. The end result of that is that the relationships I had with my existing friends were not negatively affected, and those relationships with my new friends have gained strength. I dare say that 2010, amidst the turmoil it encompassed, saw the first true development of my “tribe”, and 2011 serves to bring that tribe closer than ever before.

• I finished a large project over the summer. I literally had been working on this project for the past 3 years. In fact it was the reason that they hired me in the first place as a consultant and then later brought me on as a full time employee. For the record, I build Point of Sale systems for retailers. Its not the most glamorous job in I.T., and I’m surely not making any ground-breaking progress for the field of computer science, however it does give a great opportunity to create software and systems that are used by lots of people to do a lot of business. So with the help of a few vendors, and amidst a seemingly never ending supply of delays, my team of effectively 3 people where I was the technical lead built a system to run the business for around 840 stores and put it into those stores in less than a month. The business now runs its daily operations on it. It’s probably the largest project I’ve done, end-to-end in my career thus far, and I found a number of new and innovative ways to get the job done for the business, some that no one else has. I also learned that anything worth doing is worth doing well.

• I’ve read enormous amounts of literature this year. Mostly that is because I bought an Amazon Kindle. I won’t lie, I absolutely love this thing. Its true that the iPad is also a beautiful E-reader in its own right, along with all of the other completely awesome stuff it does, but the Kindle is far less expensive. Also, Amazon’s Kindle store is the shining example of what digital shopping should be… buy an E-book on Amazon or on the Kindle itself and its available online, on the Kindle, on the Kindle app on your computer, on the Kindle app for your phone, and it syncs in your purchases, places in a book and notes online… forever. Also there are literally thousands of classic literature and other out of license books that are available for download for free. Because of buying the Kindle, I’ve read these books:

1. “The Beginners Guide to Walking the Buddha’s Eightfold Path” – Jean Smith
2. “A Guide to the Bodhisattva Way” – Santideva
3. “The Art of Happiness” – His Holiness the Dalai Lama
4. “Pragmaticism” – William James
5. “The Problems of Philosophy” – Bertrand Russell
6. “An Inquiry into the Nature and Causes of the Wealth of Nations” – Adam Smith
7. “Concerning Christian Liberty” – Martin Luther
8. “Summa Theologica” – Saint Thomas Aquinas
9. “Poetics” – Aristotle
10. “The Prince” – Niccolo Machiavelli (re-read from years ago)
11. “A Brave New World” – Aldous Huxley (re-read from years ago)
12. “Fundamental Principles of the Metaphysic of Morals” – Immanuel Kant
13. “The Republic” – Plato (re-read from years ago)
14. “The Art of War” – Sun Tzu (re-read from years ago)
15. “The Dharma Bums” – Jack Kerouac
16. “Mediations” – Marcus Aurelius
17. “Henry V” – William Shakespeare (re-read from years ago)
18. “A Midsummer Night’s Dream” – William Shakespeare (re-read from years ago)
19. “White Fang” – Jack London
20. “The Picture of Dorian Gray” – Oscar Wilde
21. “Uncle Tom’s Cabin” – Harriet Beecher Stowe
22. “Frankenstein” – Mary Shelley (re-read from years ago)
23. “Leviathan” – Thomas Hobbes
24. “Dracula” – Bram Stoker
25. “The Time Machine” – H.G. Wells
26. “The War of the Worlds” – H.G. Wells
27. “Diary of a Very Bad Year” – Keith Gessen

• Oh yeah, I bought a house. When I turned 30 I decided that I was, at that moment, wholly and eternally done with renting. The idea of having people I didn’t know living on the other side of the wall from me was no longer appealing. And so I went to LendingTree.com and applied for a loan. The next day I spoke to a mortgage broker. The day after that I spoke to a real estate agent and an attorney. Two weeks later I took a week off from work and went on a marathon of house hunting with the realtor, seeing around 30 houses in a week. At the end of the week I had found a house and wanted to put an offer in on it. Before I did, the realtor wanted to show me one more house that she had just seen that day and after I saw it I knew it was the right house. Almost exactly 60 days later I closed, 5 days before Christmas. Its taking me a bit of time for the prospect of owning a house to sink in. I own real property… this is the concept that this country was founded on… at last I understand this concept of the American dream. Today as I looked out at the expanse of driveway that I now own and am responsible for, and heard the weather forecast for snow, I went out to Lowes without hesitation and bought a snow thrower. For the first time in my life I have outdoor power equipment. That’s home-ownership for you.

• I rediscovered the philosophies of the far east and probably for the first time really begin to understand them, most notably Buddhism. I make no secret of my sympathies for the Tibetan people and their culture, and of the admiration I have for the personification of their beliefs, His Holiness the Dalai Lama. What I find most remarkable about him and his faith is that it has enabled him to maintain his immensely positive attitude despite decades of exile from his homeland. But Buddhism itself has brought to the table, for me, a whole different way of thinking about our lives, how we are all connected in an expressly tangible way. All livings things are joined in a common desire in life to be happy. The unhappy truth about life though is that life is suffering. One day everyone will get sick, will grow old and will die. Fact. There’s nothing wrong with that but by not coming to terms with that truth, that all things are impermanent, is what causes our suffering. Its far easier to appreciate the beauty and utility of a glass when you understand that the glass is already broken and that the best you can do is use the glass and appreciate it while there is still time to do so. The goal of the individual is the cessation of suffering in oneself. The goal of the Bodhisattva is the cessation of suffering in others, for the benefit of all beings. “For as long as space endures, and for as long as living beings remain. Until then may I too abide to dispel the misery of the world” – Santideva

Those, in a nutshell, were the highlights of 2010. What does 2011 hold? I couldn’t even begin to speculate, but I intend to make good on my goals to travel to the national parks this summer, even if I have to do it by myself. I also will work on my house and build it into the sanctuary for my sanity (and soul) that I want it to be, as well as a place to create some great memories with all of those I care about. Lastly my major project for 2011 is my health. No matter which way I look at it I can’t fully enjoy my life and be the greatest benefit to those around me until I improve my physical self. I’ve spent the last 30 years improving my mind, its time to spend a little effort on my body.

As for the new year, I greet it with open arms from the comfort of my new home and with the company of my good friends. Here’s to hoping that all of you do as well… Cheers!

Unqualified Ramblings on Relationships

Note: I was hoping not to do this, but here I am at 10:30 pm on Monday night working on a blog post. When I said that I was going to post twice a week on Monday’s and Thursday’s, I figured that with a set schedule of writing I would be able to post something at regular interval with some sort of planning rather than slapping together whatever was on my mind at the time into something intelligible. But sometimes even the best laid plans (or apparently half-assed in this case) go awry. Anyway…

This week one of my friends would be celebrating 11 years together with, and 4 years of marriage, to his wife if not for the fact that their marriage came to an abrupt and very bitter end some 6 months ago. In fact, at this time a year ago I had 6 couples counted among my friends who were happily married. Right now, only 2 of those couples are still together.

I’ve read on some news sources and the web that the divorce rate in this country is 50%. I checked on this via the all-mighty power of a google search and found on divorcerate.org that number is actually what is a projection of the divorce rates could be if current trends continue. What I found interesting from the website is that when broken down by age brackets the group with the highest rates of divorce were married between ages 20 to 24 years old. Clearly age and maturity come into play there, but all of my friends were married in the second highest age bracket for divorce, ages 25 to 29 years old (16.4% for Women and 22.3% for Men).

What is the reason for that?

I wish I knew the answer. My friends going through their divorces have asked that same question to anyone who will listen, from therapists to bar tenders, for the better part of a year. I’m actually half-convinced that those people going through the divorce, on both ends, don’t really know the answer either. There are the superficial reasons, such as some cataclysmic event or series of events that would inevitably cause them to forget the reasons they loved their spouse to begin with. But I believe there are also other reasons, incepted and nurtured within the social group dynamic that lead to this breaking point as well.

By themselves, the average human being is reasonably intelligent and logical. Get humans together in groups and they become dumb and panicky. Think of going Christmas shopping… the only thing that spawns that bit of madness is the sheer number of people in the store who are all trying to get the best gift, get to the front of the line and wait the least amount of time to get out of there. So too when a group of humans get together they inevitably get to their relationships and add some frustration to the mix that the same crowd mode thinking of always coming out on top of a situation takes over. Once the crowd starts encouraging it, right or wrong, the sheer feeling of acceptance in one’s thinking can be a huge motivating factor, for better or for worse.

Its been said many times that our modern culture propagating a feeling of “instant gratification” is the cause for a lot of the emotional turmoil associated with failed relationships, that because we can’t have what we want at the moment and can’t have it right in that moment, that we immediately drop and run for the next big thing because otherwise we aren’t getting what we deserve. I agree with that… kind of… because I think it more so points to this idea that we shouldn’t settle for what we have.

I think these things are factors that hit harder with the younger age brackets as we seek more than anything else for social acceptance. The question then remains though, if what we have is making us happy then why should we consider it settling for something? And even more so, what are the foundations for a good relationship and/or marriage?

Honestly, I don’t have a damn clue. Being 30 and single, I’m likely one of the least qualified to answer that. Barring the obvious things like not beating each other, cheating on each other, etc… here are some of my thoughts.

Love and passion are the likely starts. In most cases, those two will be enough to stem off most other negative factors… for a while. There are other things that aren’t always considered that I believe do have an gnawing affect on the condition of a good relationship.

Goals are important. I’m not just talking about personal goals for yourself. I mean what exactly are you trying to accomplish in your time together? Is it just to wake up each morning with someone next to you? Is it someone to help you retire a multi-millionaire? Is it someone to visit every country of the world with? Someone to have 3 children with (bad one, in my opinion)? Fine… whatever… just make sure you are both on the same page about it.

Tastes in music matter. Don’t ask me why, but they just do. You can have and live with a lot of differences in your lives, but when it comes to music, like at least some of the same stuff or you are doomed.

Forget the word “compromise”. Seriously, forget it even exists. Compromise is a negative word and implies that you gave up or lost something. People don’t like to give concessions just to make peace… look at the Germans after World War I. I like the word “understanding” better, since all you stand to gain is knowledge, of yourself and your partner.

You can’t make someone else happy until you are happy. This crap about he/she making you happy has got to stop. You open up the door to pushing them away because you are too clingy. Self-empower yourself… be happy with yourself and no one will ever want to leave you alone.

Be your own person with your own opinions. If you love your significant other and you are making progress on your goals together, what does it matter that you friend thinks you should have gotten together with their co-worker because they just bought a boat or huge house? Chances are your friend is single anyway.

Know that fundamentally all humans are linked by a common goal of happiness. This is one of the foundations of Buddhist thought. It can be interpreted as both the quest for happiness or for the easing of unhappiness. Just by understanding that you open up to a whole new level of knowing how people work, knowing how you work and fitting the pieces of life together to make it all work.

The short of it could be said that a good foundation for a life with others starts with a good foundation of the self. Do you agree? Disagree? I’d love to hear some feedback on this one.

Realizing I’m too old for some things (and being ok with it).

A couple of weeks ago an email came across my inbox in facebook entitled, “homecoming plans”. It was an email from one of my fraternity brothers who was organizing an alumni trip to SUNY Plattsburgh for this past weekend for the school’s (and my fraternity’s) annual alumni reunion. I hadn’t been up to one of these events in a few years and in all honesty I felt like I would be a little bit like a fish out of water at the prospect of partying and drinking with a group of 18-21 year olds, but decided since it had been so long since I had seen the other alumni that I would make the trip.

Insanity ensued.

I did party and drink excessively. That is kind of the point of going up for the weekend anyway, to re-live the times that we had as undergrads, even though guys like me (being one of the oldest in the fraternity) have been away from college for 7 years or more. But having a conversation with one of my “little brothers” in the fraternity (he is 10 months younger than me) got me thinking about how I’m past that part of my life.

• When the trip was brought up the first thing I would have thought about in the past was what sort of booze to bring along to make drinks with. — This time around, the first thing I thought about was where I would sleep. When I was told people were going to stay at the fraternity house or “crash wherever”, I immediately booked a hotel room in spite of the cost.
• I didn’t mind that the hotel room was over priced. — Plattsburgh, NY is not exactly a big tourist destination especially during the fall and spring semesters. The college decided to make homecoming weekend the same weekend as their annual family weekend visits to hopefully stem off any chance of the shit-show that would be thousands of drunken alumni walking around campus. Unfortunately that didn’t work, and since the local hotels now had 1 big weekend during the school year instead of 2, the prices for rooms were higher than usual. Still, when faced with the prospect of sleeping on a beer (and god knows what else) soaked couch in a building that should be condemned, $150 for the night seemed damn reasonable.
• Nobody else I knew from outside the fraternity was going up. — In the past when I had gone up for this weekend, I would always see at least a handful of people that I knew from outside the fraternity that I would also hang out with to kind of stretch the weekend out. That didn’t happen this time. When I talked to those people I would see via phone or facebook, they all said they weren’t going AND were surprised that I was. I guess they knew I was too old for it before I did.
• The conversations changed. — In speaking with the other older alumni, and even some of the younger ones, we talked more about things like buying houses, business engagements and planning boating trips than the drinking excess of our earlier years.
• The place had changed. — When I was in college the downtown bar scene was a crazy mess of college kids in packed bars, dancing and celebrating life. I went to those same bars and found it extremely easy to get through to get drinks and a room full of people sitting down watching a bar room television instead of dancing.
• When I left on Sunday, I had no desire to go back. — There were a number of times during the weekend that I felt like I was walking through a ghost house of my earlier years. Going up there it seemed like it hasn’t been that long since I was an undergrad, but after being there for a day I realize it was a lifetime ago.

In thinking about it, it’s a little sad to have grown up and beyond my college years because it really was the most fun I had in my life up to that point. There are plenty of memories of those days but nothing about that time in my life that I miss. I’m at a point where I have reached a respectable level on those things I had thought at the time seemed so far out of reach; things like a career, a nice car, a house of my own (pending), financial stability and an increasing wealth of experiences. Most importantly I’m building my life according to how I want it to be, and not based upon the expectations handed to me involving going to college, working hard and later finding a job. The ridiculous partying I did was a release from those pressures… pressures that I no longer have.  I can let go of that period of my life with the certainty that now I’m living much more to my liking and in a much more fulfilling way.

At one time in my life I was a leader of a fraternity, I was incredibly stressed out by school, I was a guy that partied 5 out of 7 nights each week, and a guy that could drink more than a dozen drinks in a night… but I’m not that guy anymore, and I’m pretty happy about that.